Great analogy @jazzsticks sent me:

“…to find someone you can trust is like finding that lucky clover in a patch of clovers..they ALL look alike”

How very, very true.

My chest feels like it’s going to cave in. I am in so much pain right now and feel lost. The woman I love no longer loves me, and whats more, she is sending naked pictures of herself to someone she works with. All the while, telling me “I don’t know if we can be together.” NOT breaking up with me, but stringing me along. We would have been together 3 years on July 26th of this year. And we have been living together almost the entire time. It hurts so much I don’t know what to do with myself. She was my first love, and the only woman I have ever truly cared about.

I am mostly to blame. I left her three months ago for another. At the same time quitting my band of two years, and in the process loosing a best friend. I actually wanted to marry her, and I think I panicked and thus left her. I have no other justification, and I can not conjure another reason. My life was in complete panic mode, and I did just that; panic. Also, I took her for granted and this is the end result.

Now, I say I am mostly to blame. I say this because, she did some horrible stuff to me as well. Not quite up there with what I ultimately did, but nevertheless, I was never able to fully trust her. I don’t want to get into specifics, but I will say one of the biggest things was her heavy flirting with a guy at work via Yahoo Messenger, and the promise of coming to his house. She would jump on the computer and chat with him almost minutes after I left for work. I know this because I suspected something, and installed a key logger on the home PC.

On a sort of related note, the day I found out she was sending naked pics to a co-worker, was the day I found out my sister attempted suicide, and is now in a coma. Talk about timing right? And today I find out, that my elderly Grand father has Pneumonia, and is refusing to go to the hospital. I wonder if anything else can go wrong? Did I mention I am on house arrest at the moment as well? Yep.

This morning I confronted her again, and said some things to hurt her. The thought of her with another kills me beyond belief. I know it is selfish, but it is what it is, as I always say. I still love her, and have never known pain like this.

With my luck, she will get a restraining order, and I will violate house arrest. Then I will be returned to custody, and maybe not set free until 2011. Did I not mention I am on parole and spent 4 years, 3 months, and two days in prison? And on parole until July 2011? Yep.

This is the life I lead. And it is all my fault. Every bit of it. I have only myself to blame. At least it is entertaining for my Twitter followers. Even if some of them actually care. They ultimately are strangers, and I am alone. And I am afraid I always will be.

An aquientce of mine passed away yesterday. And I would like to simply dedicate a little post here on my blog to him. In rememberence of Chuck, here is a music video. (Because music is the only way I can think of to truly honer his memory)

MGMT- Kids (He was only a kid, mid 20’s, so I feel this is appropriate)

When relationships end, things tend to get nasty. And it is a testament to how strong the relationship really was to see if it can rebound.

My relationship with LAW has been tenuous at best for about a year now. And last X-Mas was the beginning of the end. Certain members of the band are selfish and always seem to attract people who will put up with their B.S. for so long. I always wondered why so many people hated on LAW.

Even when I was in the band and enjoyed feeding into the theory that “everyone should love to hate us,” it was always a mystery to me why we really were so disliked in our little musical community. But I am fully aware now. Now that I am no longer a member of LAW, its becoming more clear my the minute just why LAW is so hated on. And the reasons are pretty simple. Really just two:

1) LAW as a whole has a huge Ego
2) LAW is one of the most collectively selfish bands ever.

Now don’t get me wrong. I greatly enjoyed being in LAW and thought we made some dope music. But then the honeymoon was over, and things started to get messy. I am not going to expose the personal bullshit that plagues the band, or even admit my own assholeishness here in this forum. This is a general post about the feedback I am receiving now being an ex member of LAW. Generally, I am getting three main lines from people, “LAW was never going anywhere commercially and you were wasting your time,” “the only good things musically about LAW are your drumming and the boy’s guitar playing,” and “Rick is a horrible front man/ does not have a great voice, and that alone killed you in the long run.” These three sentences have been spoken by numerous musicians in my area, and to be honest I don’t fully agree with all of them, and would modify the rest. But once again I am biased having not only been in the band, but having liked most of what we did. I will go so far as to say, I am now of the opinion that maybe “the people,” while usually wildly ignorant, and misinformed, may have something here. At least in part.

I would like to see LAW do well, and I will even go so far to hope that I am the next “Pete Best” and quit the band before they blew up. I really tend to doubt it, but the sentiments are there. Whatever they are worth. So for old times sakes, Suck My Balls.

Life is one epic journey, as I am sure you, who are reading this, already know. When big events take place, and your hand is forced, you can sink or swim in your own delusions, or take control and do what will ultimately make you happy. Or you can do nothing and let events control you.

I am constantly in and out of love with life. I sometimes find great happiness in pain and suffering. While I don’t think I am a sadist, I sometimes think that I am. What is life if there is nothing to decipher, wallow in, stress about, or feel? Happiness is often fleeting, and incomplete. This is the nature of being human. We always want to be happy, but then find more and more and more reasons not to be. So in the end we are only happy for very brief periods of time. And in the meanwhile, we are lost, searching for the next thing, or person to make us happy again. Most of us walk around like zombies, just waiting for things to happen in life. Or we base our decisions off of our most current emotions, the results often being mixed and haphazard.

As my current situation changes, I am setting myself up for a lot of pain/ happiness. I philosophize on life. And in my half ass attempt I realize that everything I loath, and think is lame, I do myself. After all, I am only human right? I fuck up and make the same stupid mistakes we all make. And I regret nothing. Because life is complicated, and I am but a person, with my own shit/ baggage. I make rash decisions based off of my emotions and watch the chaos unfold. Or things fall into place. What ever.

There will be bruised ego’s, broken hearts, and emotions all over the place soon. I embrace the changes to come with trepidation and fear. And also a sense of excitement. Because life is nothing without change and pain. And pain ultimately leads to happiness.

Logic should supersede blind faith at every turn. One could say that blind people are ignorant to sight. So if you have the ability to see, why would you stumble blindly?